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99 Bottles (Red vs Blue)


“99 Bottles of motor oil on the wall, 99 Bottles of motor oil~ Take one down, pass it around, 99 Bottles of motor oil on the wall~!”
“The hell are you singing?” Church stared at the pink Donut.
“99 Bottles, of course~!”
“Ooo! Church! Church! Hey, Church! I know that song!” Caboose was repeatedly poking him.
“Motor oil… What’s up with that?” Tucker questioned.
“Aren’t you supposed to start with 100… ?” I added as I stood beside the aqua armored male.
“No~! It’s 99 bottles of motor oil!” Donut protested.
“I agree with the pink lady!” Caboose announced, like anyone really cared.
“Shut up, Caboose. It’s beer. Not motor oil, dumb ass.” Church scoffed. Caboose and Donut ignored him, as they usually did. “Hey! Don’t ignore me!”
“Esto es insustancial.”
“Anyone get that?” Tucker asked.
“Nope.” I muttered, shrugging.
“Why do we have a Spanish robot if no one speaks Spanish!? Why does no one speak Spanish?!” Church questioned.
“Because none of us are Spanish.” Tex scoffed, speaking in a way to insult the Blue’s Private.
“She’s got a point.”
“Shut up, Tucker.”
“85 bottles of Lysol on the wall, 85 bottles of Lysol~ Take one down, pass it around, 38 Bottles of Lysol on the wall~” Donut and Caboose chorused.
“Now it’s Lysol?” Grif.
“85 doesn’t come after 98.”
“That’s right, Simmons! 81 comes after 98!” Sarge.
“Of course, sir!”
“Kiss ass.” Grif snickered.
“Dude, shut. up.”
“Make me… kiss ass.”
“That’s it. I’m killing you.” Simmons started to chase Grif, shooting off rounds that never seemed to hit the mark.
“Violence isn’t necessary!” Doc chimed, following after the two.
“He was still here?” Tex asked.
I shrugged again. “Obviously.”
“What morons.” Tex sighed, turning around and walking back to Blue base.
“How the fuck do you go from 85 to 38?” Church.
“Only those dipshits.” I sighed, turning around and following after Tex.
“Yep.” Tucker agreed, following after me.
“Son estúpidos.”
“I agree with Lopez.” Shelia followed after the Spanish robot.
“Of course you do.” Church scoffed. No one could see it, but he was rolling his eyes at the robot couple; he found it stupid, as he did with most things.
“25 bottles of flag on the wall, 25 bottles of flag~ Take one down, pass it around, 65 bottles of flag on the wall!”
“Hey! Don’t leave me here with these idiots!” Church cried as he ran toward Blue base.
The duo were still singing all through the night. They were stationed in between Blue and Red base.
“Will someone shut those dipshits up!” Sarge yelled, loud enough for everyone to hear.
Meowww~ Mueahw~
“Since when did we have cats in Blood Gulch?!” I cried in disbelief.
“It’s Donut’s cat!” Grif answered back.
“Since when did Donut have a cat?!”
“He was hiding it from the Sarge!”
“Everyone, shut the hell up!” Church growled.
“That’s it! I order everyone to kill those morons!” Sarge demanded.
So much for a peaceful nights sleep.
“We can solve this without violence! Guys!” Doc whimpered.
“99 bottles of Grif on the wall, 99 bottles of Grif~ Take one down, pass it around, 96 bottles of Church on the wall~!”
“The hell… why me?!” Grif groaned.
“I’m killing you now.” Church grabbed his weapon and headed out, Sarge doing the same.
“1.” Sarge started.
“24 bottles of Sarge on the wall~”
“24 bottles of Sarge~ Take one down, pass it around, 3 bottles of – Ahhh~!”
As soon as they said ‘three’, both Sarge and Church started blasting both of them, making the two rookies scatter and run around screaming like little girls – literally.
Just another normal day in Blood Gulch.